Ever higher.. fear


Black Ocean

Depression is like a favorite blanket, so dark and familiar that its coldness feels warm and comforting. Warm and comforting as it suffocates out all other life. Even as the sun shines bright, like it is the most brilliant of days, that looming shadow of familiarity is there. I feel it hanging on me taking me back into the dark night. It is a friend that I will never escape, something that will temper my life so I never forget that life is bitterly beautiful and that everyone is covered in scars. It is truly an ocean, an ocean with black waves that ebb onto the shore that is I, sometimes so cold it has ice that stabs deep into the soul. I have been here so long that the numbness is familiar, the overwhelming despair is not shocking. The black ocean becomes a storm; angry that I yet survive, that I yet grasp onto the smallest of flames to remember what it is to feel, to exist, to be alive. So many ask the question why, so many seek a reason. In my darkest and deepest despondence I realized to be alive is to be pain. To endure the struggle to breathe, to live is what our existence is. Every moment should be absorbed for what it is; because this is our experience, this is our injustice. So I will feel the black beckoning ocean and listen to the lullaby of void and then I will stare into a sky blurring dark colors in an endless brilliance of stars.

What is Innocence?

A ghost that walks in this existence but that never has form. An echo that reverberates through every mind but doesnt stay.
When you know what pain is you can never be inncocent.
When you have tasted what it is to breathe you have no freedom.
To live is pain.
Innocence is a lie stolen before it can ever be seen.
To understand is to know that every action is laced with intention.
You can see no flaw without knowing its cause, can see no pain without its reason.
There is no such thing as innocence.

The Stars Again

That person who was I is free once more

I’m following the path back to the sky

And my wings will touch the stars again

Every moment breathing life into my broken body,

Bleeding color into my black core

The taste and the memory are slowly growing

Of everything once dreamed and believed 

Life is full of movement and change

And instead of drowning I am dancing

The person who was I is free once more

Be afraid

Im following the path back to the sky

And my wings will touch the stars again



No one sees the trouble under the calm waves, no one wonders what the story is that they cannot see. There is a window in a box and a deep hole underneath so easy to escape if only knew there was escaping. What to do if the sky is dark, no light to come throught the glass. What to do if the holes gets deeper and you can barely reach the top. Try harder, breathe deeper, look farther. The walls are not of stone they’re paper, the window is a lie from the outside, ¬†all you have to do is scream and the earth will rise beneath you taking the hole away. There are no walls which we don’t make, ¬†there are only skies. Never stop trying and don’t give in, what do you have if not belief.

Believe that it is better, believe you can be free, believe there is a life past the whole world disappearing.

Swirling Mass

Swirling mass of despondent
Dead within the center

Find Me
Bring me back into existence
Remembering what Is Alive

So long have I lived without color
It never seemed to have existed
Dreams are nightmares of everything you desire
Deep within
Deep within
Blurring lines dripping pictures

Swirling mass of despondent

Dead within the center

Forgotten Beauty
So easy to fall into this dream
Is there ever any escaping
Lying dead within the center let it fall-

Find Me

Bring me back into existence

Remembering what is Alive
Feel alive what does it mean
Between the chaos I will breathe
Swirling mass of despondent
Dreams and nightmares make us alive